From the Front Lines of the War On Christmas [Satire] by Reid Neason

Dear Mother and Father,
It’s been another unrelenting Advent season for my garrison and I on the front lines. I hope to be home in time to celebrate Christmas with you all, as I anticipate that we will again hold the line in protecting its sanctity from the enemy.
While on the topic of our enemy, it seems as if every time we return, they possess less of a sense of restraint. This year, we were tasked with defending the honor of Rudolph after it was ambushed by the Huffington Squadron. It was during this battle that I observed them closer than ever before.
They speak in a fairly primitive language. It sounds similar to English, but all the phrases that I can understand without our interpreter seem to be simple slogans. My commanding officer has told me that any previous attempts to interact with them or ask them questions cause them to descend into a vitriolic rage. It seems to me that they carry out their attacks with a similar rage, which causes me to fear for my safety at every turn.
During our defense of Rudolph, our interpreter took the liberty of translating the enemy’s rallying cries for us. They were shouting slogans about how Rudolph had previously possessed inequality of outcome, something that they despise. He also said he could overhear them shouting how the town’s revered figure Santa is straight, white, and a bigot, all things they oppose. Our spies said that in their briefings, it was discussed that their end goal was to depose what seems like an innocent leader, and to replace him with a gay person of another race who is entirely devoid of gender.
We were ultimately successful in this endeavor, though it was not the only challenge that we have faced in this phase of what many are calling the “War on Christmas.” We were also a part of the force that took back Loesser, after their anthem “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” became a particularly attractive target for the Progressive Army. Our interpreter said the occupiers were repeatedly shouting “rape culture” and “me too” for minutes on end. Where there were once colorful decorations for the celebratory season, they now placed a single unadorned tree and what can only be described as a glacier.
I have long held an appreciation for what Loesser’s culture actually stands for: the safety of their women throughout the cold season. I cannot quite figure out what about this has made the enemy so distressed that they felt the urge to take control and abolish the anthem. This is especially true when I consider that members of the Progressive Army are frequently seen kowtowing to the Venus symbol, their representation of the female demographic.
That was simply one of the sights that I came across when we were gathering intelligence from one of their camps. Several of the men were gathered around a boy who appeared to be no older than 12. He was dressed quite extravagantly as a woman and was having currency thrown on him as he danced suggestively. Some were playing Christmas songs modified to slander their own leader. Others were enjoying what appeared to be a propaganda show that used the iconic Christmas character of Frosty to spread environmental dogma.
I often wonder whether there will ever be an end to this war. If they will attack Mary because the mere existence of its purity offended a single Progressive rape victim, then no area of Christmas seems to be safe. If my duty necessitates that I may not arrive in time to celebrate with you all, I wish you a Merry Christmas.
I must end this letter rather promptly, as we are being told to prepare to defend ourselves. Supposedly a scout mob has descended on our location at my very writing of that greeting. The interpreter is hearing frequent shrieks of the word “holiday”, but I have no doubt in our ability to handle the task at hand.

Reid Neason, Texas A&M Class of 2022

Leave a Reply

Sign up for The UC Newsletter

%d bloggers like this: